Forgiveness.
Just reading the word might make you flinch.
For some, it feels like an impossible mountain to climb—a task reserved for saints, not for the deeply wounded.
Yet in her powerful book, Forgiving What You Can’t Forget, Lysa TerKeurst unravels the complexities of forgiveness with honesty, vulnerability, and deep biblical insight.
If you’ve ever struggled to forgive—whether it’s someone who shattered your trust, a close friend who betrayed you, or even yourself—this book is a lifeline.
Here are five of the most transformational lessons I’ve gleaned from this book, expounded with examples to help you walk the challenging road toward forgiveness.
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1. Forgiveness Is More About Freedom Than Fairness
Let’s be honest.
Forgiveness often feels unfair.
Why should you let someone off the hook when they’ve caused so much pain?
Lysa tackles this head-on by reminding us that forgiveness isn’t about excusing the wrong or pretending it didn’t happen.
Instead, forgiveness is about freedom—your freedom.
Imagine carrying a heavy backpack full of rocks everywhere you go.
Each rock represents the bitterness, resentment, and anger you’ve been holding onto.
The longer you carry it, the heavier it feels, and the more it saps your energy and joy.
Forgiveness is setting that backpack down.
It’s not saying that what happened was okay. It’s saying, “I refuse to let this weigh me down any longer.”
As Lysa writes, “Forgiveness isn’t something hard we have the option to do or not do. Forgiveness is something hard-won that we have the opportunity to participate in.”
Jesus’ instruction in Matthew 6:14-15 (NKJV) is clear: “For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”
Forgiveness sets you free, even if it feels unfair.
2. Healing Doesn’t Depend on the Offender’s Repentance
One of the most liberating lessons in this book is the realization that your healing doesn’t hinge on someone else’s apology or acknowledgment of wrongdoing.
Lysa uses the story of the lame man at the pool of Bethesda (John 5:1-9) to illustrate this truth.
When Jesus (Yahshua) asked the man, “Do you want to be made well?”
He didn’t wait for the man’s circumstances to change or for someone to help him into the pool.
He simply instructed the man to pick up his mat and walk.
In the same way, forgiveness and healing are decisions you make with God’s help—not actions that require the cooperation of the person who hurt you.
Waiting for an apology that may never come only keeps you trapped.
Choosing to forgive, on the other hand, opens the door to healing and restoration.
For example, a woman who was betrayed by a close friend may never hear, “I’m sorry” from that friend.
But through forgiveness, she can lay the hurt at Jesus’ feet and allow Him to mend her broken heart.
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3. Forgiveness and Reconciliation Are Not the Same
This is a critical distinction that Lysa emphasizes throughout her book.
Forgiveness is between you and God; reconciliation is between you and another person.
Forgiveness is a command, but reconciliation depends on the other person’s willingness to change and rebuild trust.
Romans 12:18 (NKJV) reminds us, “If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men.”
Take the example of an abusive relationship.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean putting yourself back in harm’s way.
It doesn’t mean allowing someone to continue their destructive behavior.
Forgiveness means releasing the offender to God’s justice and choosing not to let bitterness consume you.
Reconciliation, however, requires repentance and demonstrated change from the offender.
Lysa’s honesty about setting boundaries—even with people she loves deeply—is a profound reminder that forgiveness doesn’t erase the need for wisdom and self-protection.
4. Forgiveness Is a Process, Not a One-Time Event
Forgiveness is rarely a one-and-done decision.
It’s a process that often requires revisiting the hurt and choosing forgiveness repeatedly.
As Lysa says, “The act of forgiveness is a decision. The feeling of forgiveness is the healing work of God.”
Consider someone dealing with the aftermath of a painful divorce.
They may choose to forgive their ex-spouse today, but then a reminder—a photo, a memory, a new hurt—triggers the pain all over again.
In those moments, forgiveness must be reaffirmed. Each time you choose forgiveness, you’re peeling back another layer of hurt and allowing God to work deeper healing in your heart.
In Matthew 18:21-22 (NKJV), Peter asks Jesus how many times he should forgive someone who sins against him.
Jesus’ reply—“I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven”—reminds us that forgiveness is ongoing. It’s not about keeping count; it’s about cultivating a heart posture of grace.
5. God’s Grace Empowers You to Forgive
Forgiveness can feel impossible when you’re relying on your own strength.
But Lysa beautifully points out that forgiveness isn’t about mustering up enough willpower; it’s about leaning into God’s grace.
As Ephesians 4:7 (NKJV) says, “But to each one of us grace was given according to the measure of Christ’s gift.”
Lysa shares her personal struggles with forgiveness, including the deep wounds caused by her husband’s infidelity.
Through her story, we see the power of God’s grace in action.
It’s His grace that enables us to forgive the unforgivable, to release the hurt, and to trust Him with our healing.
Think of a parent grieving the loss of a child due to a drunk driver.
Humanly speaking, forgiveness seems out of reach.
But by surrendering the pain to God and allowing His grace to flow through them, that parent can find the strength to forgive—not because the offender deserves it, but because God has forgiven us so much more.
Final Thoughts
Forgiveness is one of the hardest things you’ll ever do, but it’s also one of the most freeing.
It’s not about erasing the past or pretending the hurt didn’t happen.
It’s about trusting God to redeem your pain and choosing not to let bitterness take root in your heart.
As you walk this journey, remember Lysa’s words: “Your healing is not dependent on anyone else’s choices but your own.”
You can’t control what others do, but you can control how you respond.
And when you choose forgiveness, you’re not just obeying God—you’re stepping into the abundant life He desires for you.
So, friend, are you ready to set down the backpack of bitterness and embrace the freedom of forgiveness?
Let’s take that step together, one choice at a time.
